John Barleycorn's Harvest Corn Pudding

Well, it's been a while since I last posted. I'm not really going to explain why, but it's good to post again.

Today, I've decided to make my own version of traditional American corn pudding. Corn was and still is the primary vital grain in American diets, from Canada down to Argentina. It's our grain, like wheat is the European grain.

I decided to make a (mostly) milk-free version, replacing the milk with coconut milk.

I used Cascadian Farm organic sweet corn. I suggest using local or organic corn, preferably non-GMO if you can find it...

You'll need 2 pounds (32 ounces) of corn for this adventure. The original recipe asks for two 15 ounce cans of creamed corn. Canned creamed corn is pretty disgusting, if you ask me. I am not such a snob that I would not eat canned creamed corn if I was hungry. However, it's definitely not first on my list. 

Here's my take on this delicious classic:

In a large saucepan, melt two tablespoons of butter or coconut cream (the fat layer on top of a first pressed coconut milk) over medium heat. 

This time, I chose butter. If I were to make it again, I think I'd stick with coconut cream.

Be careful to stir frequently and adjust the heat so it does not brown. You could also use ghee (Indian style clarified butter) if you wished. Next, we're going to add 2 tablespoons of unbleached wheat flour. 

If you don't know how to make a roux, I suggest you learn!

Sprinkle the flour in slowly and stir until you get what's known as a roux. Then we're going to add coconut milk. The variety of coconut milk that you use will completely change the consistency of this pudding.

First pressed coconut milk will ensure a great cream layer right on top. 

All the liquid is completely contained right underneath this layer. You can resuspend the cream and liquid back together with stirring or gentle prodding with a stick blender.

You'll need a cup and a half of coconut milk, which is most of this can. Empty it into your roux and keep stirring over medium-high heat until thickened, about 3-5 minutes. 

Voila! A coconut milk roux. 

You have two choices right now. You can roughly blend the thawed corn with a stick blender or in an actual blender. You'll want to pulse the corn gently, or you'll have corn puree on your hands. If you like the whole kernel joy of corn, then don't worry... just add the whole 1 pound package to your roux. Either way, you want the whole package of corn in your stove pot, blended or whole. It's really a texture opinion... if you like silkier pudding, blend. If you like chewier pudding with whole kernels, don't blend.

Cook for about 3-5 minutes, adding 2 teaspoons of sugar and 1/4 teaspoon of sea salt. 

The egg came first, folks. The biologist knows!

Five. Count 'em. Five eggs. Whisk them lightly. Now, here's where you use your judgment again. If you want a sweet pudding, add about 1/4 cup of sugar. I like a less sweet souffle-type pudding, so I only added a few more tablespoons. It's up to you! Now add 4 tablespoons of a starch thickener. I recommend cornstarch, but if you have issues with cornstarch, you can always add arrowroot or some other vegetable starch thickener. Get out those lumps! Put in 1/2 cup of water to assist your efforts. 

To our soup pot on the stove, we add another 16 ounces of whole kernel corn. This would be your second bag of corn, if you are using frozen corn. Now add the egg/starch mixture to your coconut corn goop on the stove. 

Corn boss! Or Corn Mo. But you didn't play Castle Crashers or listen to Ben Folds, did you?

Now we're ready to bake this pudding! 

CoRning ware. 

You want to bake the pudding in a more shallow and wide dish rather than a taller, narrower square dish. I have some square ceramic Pyrex dishes that are quite deep. I would not bake this pudding in those Pyrex dishes because I'd be afraid it would not set up well. Make sure you grease the dish before you add the corn stuff. You're going to have at least 2 quarts of corn pudding, so get a BIG dish.

1 hour later, at 400 degrees Fahrenheit (200 degrees Celsius). I don't know what Gas Mark that is, I don't know about British gas ranges. Very sorry. 

Delicious.

There you are! This really will feed at least 8 people. You can freeze leftovers if you would like, as well. I thought this was delicious. I might try blending half the corn and doing the "silkier" variety of the pudding next time. For a vegan variety of this corn pudding, you can use egg replacer and vegan "butter." You could also puree 1 cup of soft tofu to replace the eggs, as well. For butter, you can also mix equal parts coconut oil, flaxseed oil and sesame tahini. Get creative! 

Happy Lughnasadh! Wiccans, Druids and witches honor the Green Man's first sacrifice to us so that we may continue to survive during the winter. And tell me how the pudding turns out...

Snapple Rain = Divine Ambrosia

In case you don't remember it, Snapple Rain was a precious clear nectar that quenched many hot, nasty thirsts. The kind of thirst you get in the dog days of summer when your tongue begins to swell and adhere to the roof of your mouth. Thirst that feels like this: 

“I love like I’m thirsty. Can I offer you a tall glass of Sahara sand?
”

 But probably really looks like this:

Ooh, I was a wee bit thirsty. That's better.

Snapple Rain was produced in the 90's, that magical decade of many amazing things. I could write the history of the Elements series of beverages, or tell you when Snapple Beverage Corp. discontinued Rain. However, I realize two things: you have a search engine and you also probably don't really care about the backstory.

I come from the land of the ice and snow, from the midnight sun where the harsh winds blow

It was made from white grape juice, prickly pear extract, and agave cactus nectar. The flavor was indescribable... imagine that you are drinking the most divine sweet water with delicate white fruits. Rain brought to mind the succulence of aloe vera minus the green flavor (probably because of the cactus), the clean flavor of pear juice and the sugariness of white grape together. Perhaps the most perfect drink ever made. My husband and I bonded over our mutual love for this drink in our early relationship. That's how damned good it was. 

All right, add ten years and ten pounds... on the girl. (Not ashamed of being plump!)

I dare you: do a search for "Bring Back Snapple Rain" on your browser. Far more popular than say, "Bring Back Sharkleberry Fin Kool-Aid" or "Bring Back Hubba Bubba Soda." (Both of those products were also amazing, by the way. We had products in the '90's that tasted like the colors pink and teal look together. Yes, that awesome.)

It even came in a diet variety for those of you who like the nasty taste of aspartame!

Later, Snapple put Rain drink in this ridiculous aluminum can that completely ruined its fragile flavor. The aluminum taste leached right into the drink and altered the flavor in a horrible way. Cadbury Schweppes killed the Elements drinks after the bad decision switch to aluminum bottles. They don't realize how much CASH CASH MONEY they'd make if they could bring back the original recipe in the glass bottle, but then again, they probably don't care. 

There are definitely CEOs out there who look like this. I'm sure of it.

The name of my blog is F.U.C.K. For Unlawful Culinary Knowledge. A lot of people haven't tasted Rain before. My challenge to you: find someone who was at least 16 years old in 2000 (not born after 1984) who was a Rain aficionado. Take the basic ingredients of Rain and recreate the drink. Let the Rain freak give it the seal of approval. Send me the recipe so I can recreate it. I will do my very best to make you a celebrity. 

In the immortal words of the animator Tite Kubo, “If I were rain /that joins sky and earth that otherwise never touch / Could I join two hearts as well?” Rain has united many people. Sign the petition to bring back the divine nectar here.

CC

One more charming Memphis BBQ sandwich

My amazing husband and I were driving around town, running errands, and became hungry. We drove up and down Restaurant (Skid) Row to find what we might want. All of my choices naturally involved boneless fried yardbird, which was out of the question. My husband has to be in the mood for poultry, sadly. We don't live in a super foodie burg, and we didn't feel like the hike to greater civilization. We narrowed it down to Hardee's (Carl's Jr. for you West Coast dwellers) or Burger King.

I'm way more pimpalicious than that damn redheaded clown.

I was hoping that the loaded tater tots would still be available, because loaded potato anything is my husband's idea of a very good time. Hey, get your mind out of the gutter! A good time at dinner! (I can't say I disagree.) Sadly, the limited edition tots have already been discontinued. They had a better flavor than the hockey triangles of smashed potato at Arby's, to be perfectly honest. 

Loaded tots and peach iced tea. I specifically ordered both of these and enjoyed both simultaneously.

In fact, many of the delicious introductions that Burger King have no doubt introduced to revive business were gone. I'm sorry if you didn't get to try them. Many of them were actually quite good... but that's another blog post for another time.

I'm usually reluctant to order the same thing as my husband, especially if it's a new dish neither of us have tried before. However, I really did not see anything else that I wanted more than the Memphis BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich. My husband also ordered a bacon burger with cheese just in case the barbecue sandwich did not live up to expectations. 

Photographed by the Cooking Cleric.

The artisan-style bun was warm, soft and fresh; perfect for containing the rich mother load of tender, unctuous barbecued pork. The barbecue sauce was rich and tangy, with a good balance between sour vinegar and sugar, highlighted with tomato and savory spices. The sweet Southern sauce honestly tasted like a mild sweet butter, and I would not eat this sandwich without it. I wanted a little more heat from the sauce and thought about adding a few dashes of Texas Pete. I am so glad the helpful person behind the counter recommended this sandwich. I would honestly give it an 8.5 out of 10 stars.

In the words of the immortal assassin Jules Winnfield, this sandwich was made from "one charmin' m*thaf*ckin' pig. ...ten times more charming than that Arnold on Green Acres." Oink.

CC

Apple pie goes from boring to better!

We recently received a big gorgeous Dutch apple pie as a gift. Unfortunately, the best thing about it was the crust. Don't let me impugn the nature of the craft that went into creating this pie. I could really tell the person who gifted it took much time and effort, and for that, I am grateful. However... it was a bit bland.

So I had to... dress it up. See how magnanimous I am, giving you all my ideas?

Nuff said.

 The next time you have a piece of flavorless apple pie, you must first add the spice.

This is a Dune reference, made all the more amazing by this tiny cat. If you have not watched Dune, what is wrong with you? Kyle MacLachlan was as hot as he would ever be in that film. He is still very attractive.

I recommend cinnamon and nutmeg for basics. Remember that you want 1/8 the amount of nutmeg that you want cinnamon, because nutmeg is some strong sheeot. *Sprinkly sprinkle*

One scoop of vanilla ice cream and some delicious pieces of crystallized ginger turn pablum-esque apple pie into deliciousness. In the immortal words of the bard Burton: Don't take my word for it.

CC

Dressing up lunch!

I have recently been enjoying the simple delight of Bear Creek soup mixes. Of course, I cannot simply allow pre-packaged food to simply be what it is as it comes out into my bowl or onto my plate. Impossible. This drive to dazzle my food is part hedonism, part creativity and part love for culinary art and science.

The three Bear Creek mixes I've tried so far are the Wild Rice soup mix, the Creamy Potato soup mix and the Cheddar Broccoli soup mix. The rice and potato varieties are my favorite so far. I can't really blame Bear Creek... it's much easier to keep the flavor of cream and milk rather than keeping the delightful tang of cheddar in a dehydrated form.

In order to recreate this delicious lunch that I just ate, you'll need to follow the directions on the back of the soup mix. Please remember there's *rice* in this mix, so the longer you cook the soup, the more tender the rice will be. Wild rice also tends to take longer to cook as opposed to white rice, so expect this soup to take some time. A gentle dance between cooking at a high enough temperature to make the rice tender versus scalding the milk must be done. Cream and milk based soups and sauces must be coddled like a small child.

Remember how I said I couldn't leave packaged food alone? I added the meat from 2 large chicken breasts which I had previously fully cooked. Cut the pieces of chicken into little 1 inch cubes. Honestly, you could boil or bake the chicken breasts... I boiled them because it was faster. The best flavor would probably come from adding the meat of a rotisserie chicken, however.

I also added 8 strips of bacon, cut into little bits. I think this goes without saying: please cook the bacon first. 

Creamy Wild Rice is now Chicken, Bacon and Wild Rice potage. Excellent.

I chose brussels sprouts for my vegetable choice. Don't say gross! Wait until you try this recipe for roasted brussels sprouts. Frozen brussels sprouts will take less time, but you can do  this with fresh ones. Parboil the brussels sprouts for 3-7 minutes. Less time will be required for frozen sprouts; more time for fresh ones. The point is to begin the cooking process and kill any little buggies that might be living on your baby cabbages.

Baby Belgian cabbages. *awww*

You can buy this shirt here.

Turn your oven on to 400 degrees. Line a baking sheet with aluminum foil, and lightly grease. (I used Pam oil spray.) Place your hot little cabbages on the cold, slippery metal. Dress with a couple pats of good quality butter and a drizzle of olive oil. Now here's your chance to add whatever spice pizazz you want. I usually choose Tony Chachere's famous Creole seasoning.

 

*sprinkly sprinkle*

Roast these darlings for about half an hour, turning them once throughout cooking. You will notice they begin to develop a lovely brown color. The sprout funk mellows into a nutty green flavor. You might even get others to eat them! 

Seriously. They are pretty good.

What would this lunch be without BREAD? Nothing... nothing...

I was lucky enough to choose a sesame seed - poppyseed -garlic tasting thing from Panera Bread. I didn't buy it; I just happened to have it on hand in my fridge from a neighbor's kindness. Thank you Lisa!

 Yep, something like that.

This was today's lunch. I hope you try this out, too. I would have gotten a picture... but I didn't feel like it.

Maybe you'll try this meal out and take photos. Send them to me. I'd love it.

In the immortal words of the incomparable jester Yankovic:

Have a banana, have a whole bunch / It doesn't matter what you had for lunch / Just eat it

CC